His heart was pounding. Ryusei wouldn't do something like this without meaning it either, but—
There was still a part of him that was terrified. They were still in the middle of fighting. He had intended to wait until it was all over to settle this thing, whatever it was, and then Ryusei wouldn't have to worry about distractions. A friend's demands, and a... whatever's demands were different, and if it were just friends, Ryusei would still worry but—
He hadn't wanted to see more of the same of what happened to Jirou, Ryusei had told Tachibana, when he'd been desperately trying to obtain the way to defeat Cancer. That was especially true if he allowed himself to be not only distracted, but closer. Closer than a friend. He couldn't allow that. Not now, at this moment. But he'd already done it. Friends were different; he'd already seen how, like the utter idiots they were, they could barter their souls for his sake—without even knowing for what they were giving their lives. How they could forgive him after he'd done something so terrible and wrong.
But this.... wasn't like being a friend. Unlike a friend, this was different—
Wasn't it? "Ke—Kengo...." He didn't know how to say it. He didn't want to say it. Protecting his friends was one thing. Protecting himself was—
If another Jirou happened, Ryusei didn't know what he would do. He was afraid of what he would do. After seeing—after experiencing how far he would go for Jirou, he'd been prepared to accept that he could and would do terrible things for his friends. But Kengo was—would be—
Ryusei couldn't afford to lose his composure. Not at this junction, not after everything they'd gone through. He pulled away from Kengo's grasp. "I—I didn't... not mean it. But...."
no subject
There was still a part of him that was terrified. They were still in the middle of fighting. He had intended to wait until it was all over to settle this thing, whatever it was, and then Ryusei wouldn't have to worry about distractions. A friend's demands, and a... whatever's demands were different, and if it were just friends, Ryusei would still worry but—
He hadn't wanted to see more of the same of what happened to Jirou, Ryusei had told Tachibana, when he'd been desperately trying to obtain the way to defeat Cancer. That was especially true if he allowed himself to be not only distracted, but closer. Closer than a friend. He couldn't allow that. Not now, at this moment. But he'd already done it. Friends were different; he'd already seen how, like the utter idiots they were, they could barter their souls for his sake—without even knowing for what they were giving their lives. How they could forgive him after he'd done something so terrible and wrong.
But this.... wasn't like being a friend. Unlike a friend, this was different—
Wasn't it? "Ke—Kengo...." He didn't know how to say it. He didn't want to say it. Protecting his friends was one thing. Protecting himself was—
If another Jirou happened, Ryusei didn't know what he would do. He was afraid of what he would do. After seeing—after experiencing how far he would go for Jirou, he'd been prepared to accept that he could and would do terrible things for his friends. But Kengo was—would be—
Ryusei couldn't afford to lose his composure. Not at this junction, not after everything they'd gone through. He pulled away from Kengo's grasp. "I—I didn't... not mean it. But...."