rabbithatch | calmer weather | kengo utahoshi and ryusei sakuta

calmer weather | kengo utahoshi and ryusei sakuta

For now, it seemed the worst of the storm had passed. Weeks had gone by since Gentarou's death and subsequent revival. Ryusei had betrayed the KRC and also been seemingly forgiven by all of them. Everything seemed fairly normal, aside from the dark cloud on the horizon that the club opted to ignore at times. While things were calm and happy now, the war was still ongoing. Horoscopes were still appearing and attacks were still happening. It would only get worse. In time, it would be too much to ignore.

This was part of the reason Kengo had ducked out of class an hour earlier to go to the infirmary. There were no longer the days of leaving class to go to the Rabbit Hatch and work on Switches in solitude. No more Switches needed to be made and Kengo had spent far too much time going over the older ones again and again until he was forced to stop. Repetition did nothing good for anyone when things were already at their best. This, today, was an honest health issue. While he knew it wasn't the quietest location in the school, it was a better alternative to finding a place on the floor in the Rabbit Hatch and having to deal with everyone when they showed up.

Kengo's case was on the floor next to his bed, his cell phone out of his pocket and on the table top, just in case anyone decided to call him using it. His jacket was off and draped over the side of the bed, his tie loosened just enough to not bother him while he slept.

Unfortunately, even with medicine the nurse had given him, the pain in his head wouldn't completely subside.

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Kengo had settled for grabbing at Ryusei's other arm while he kissed him, though it certainly wasn't as strong as the touch he'd used to initially pull him in. It was only enough to keep one more connection point going between them. The kiss itself was as clumsy as Kengo would have expected, considering his complete and utter lack of experience in anything even remotely resembling their current situation. Despite that, it also felt as nice as he had hoped -- though he wasn't sure if that was just because he was relieved to have it out of the way.

When Ryusei pulled back, Kengo easily let him, knowing the other was probably still suffering from some residual panic. However, Kengo was intent on not letting go of him. If they'd gotten this far, there wasn't much that could be done about ignoring it, so Kengo kept his hands on Ryusei's arms. He looked up at the other boy again, though Kengo couldn't help but occasionally glance away from the embarrassed feeling that was now sinking in. His face was flushed red, his lips pursed together almost as though he was resisting the urge to pout.

"Don't apologize... I was the one who did it." Kengo was surprised he had managed to say even that many words, with as much as he felt his body was shaking.

If they'd been anyplace else— If they hadn't been in the infirmary, maybe this would have worked, Ryusei thought blurrily, staring at the some point on the edge of the bed as he forced his breathing back to normal. Eventually, the static disappeared from his vision, and Ryusei was able to look up, and stare.

Kengo hadn't let go. Ryusei released his grip on Kengo's shirt, carefully tucking his arm by his side so as not to accidentally graze Kengo's body anywhere.

That's right, Kengo was the one who did it. Ryusei couldn't help but feel, though, that he'd started it, and he was the one who hadn't been able to go through with it. If they'd been anyplace else....

Force the panic down. Focus— Focus on Kengo's face. Ryusei moved the arm that Kengo held, put it on the wall by Kengo's waist. He leaned in again, clutching the bedcovers, and perhaps it was because he was guarding against it this time that Ryusei was able to keep the panic to a low simmer and his lips could make it all the way to Kengo.

Ryusei hadn't run away.

Kengo had honestly been surprised that the other hadn't pulled out of his hold and rushed off without a word. There was always an underlying fear Kengo had about how Ryusei viewed him -- that maybe everything Kengo thought the other meant was something he'd misinterpreted in a horrible way. Maybe none of this was supposed to have happened. ... maybe he should have let Ryusei stop it. Now that he was out of the moment, more and more doubts were pulling at Kengo's mind. It was something he should have expected, he knew. Nothing ever went over smoothly.

Instead of Ryusei rushing off, Kengo had been prepared to break the contact between them, intent on making some excuse or playing it off to try to lighten the air. It had to have been a mistake... It was definitely a mistake. Kengo lowered his head again--

-- raising it only when he felt the shifting on the bed again. Was Ryusei getting up to leave? No. It was the opposite-- and an action that had happened so quickly Kengo hadn't expected it. For the first few moments, Kengo couldn't bring himself to react at all. It felt as though it took too much effort to raise his hand from Ryusei's arm up to his shoulder, pulling the other boy in closer as he leaned up to return the kiss. His hold was as strong as it had been when he had been afraid of falling. Now, Kengo supposed he was still scared, but it had nothing to do with that time. The consequences of his actions wouldn't be too far behind, at this rate.

He held it for as long as he could, but eventually he had to pull away. He had an excuse; even normally, people couldn't kiss forever, could they? If Ryusei only leaned back and didn't use his hands, maybe he could hide his shaking. The fingers he'd rested against the wall had started to hurt from the pressure he'd put on it in the attempt not to curl into a fist.

He turned to face forward, put his hands in his lap. "Kengo...."

It was gratifying, and scary, when he thought about how tightly Kengo had been holding him. Didn't people start dating first before they kissed? He clasped his hands, suddenly nervous in a completely different way. The order had gotten messed up. How were they supposed to proceed from here? If Kengo would accept it at all—

"Kengo. Do— do you mean it?" He had to, right? That had been twice. Ryusei couldn't bring himself to turn around and look at him. Just— Just in case—

As Ryusei had kept the kiss going for so long, Kengo had clearly allowed himself to relax and push more into it. The hand at Ryusei's shoulder kept its tight grip, Kengo pulling at Ryusei's other arm as though to tug the other's body even closer to his own. For a few moments, it had pushed all of the negative thoughts from his mind, though the contact was still gone much sooner than he would have liked.

"Aah..." The sound left Kengo's mouth as soon as Ryusei pulled back -- a noise of protest at the boy moving away from him. It was also at a volume louder than Kengo would have preferred, his face immediately flushing with a hint of color once he realized what he'd done. Again, he had to force himself to let go, somehow, when Ryusei pulled away. He was practically pouting at having to deny himself that contact. While dropping the hand he'd had on Ryusei's shoulder without much effort, Kengo couldn't bring himself to let go of Ryusei's arm, even when Ryusei wasn't touching him anymore.

The question caused Kengo to smile, awkward and embarrassed, an expression he rarely showed to anyone. He kept his head turned away, struggling to regain at least some of the wall he usually kept up. "... of course I mean it. I wouldn't do something like that if I didn't mean it."

Kengo hoped Ryusei knew how sincere he was about that. There was no way he would have ever done something like this otherwise, coupled with how uncomfortably obvious he felt he feelings could be.

His heart was pounding. Ryusei wouldn't do something like this without meaning it either, but—

There was still a part of him that was terrified. They were still in the middle of fighting. He had intended to wait until it was all over to settle this thing, whatever it was, and then Ryusei wouldn't have to worry about distractions. A friend's demands, and a... whatever's demands were different, and if it were just friends, Ryusei would still worry but—

He hadn't wanted to see more of the same of what happened to Jirou, Ryusei had told Tachibana, when he'd been desperately trying to obtain the way to defeat Cancer. That was especially true if he allowed himself to be not only distracted, but closer. Closer than a friend. He couldn't allow that. Not now, at this moment. But he'd already done it. Friends were different; he'd already seen how, like the utter idiots they were, they could barter their souls for his sake—without even knowing for what they were giving their lives. How they could forgive him after he'd done something so terrible and wrong.

But this.... wasn't like being a friend. Unlike a friend, this was different—

Wasn't it? "Ke—Kengo...." He didn't know how to say it. He didn't want to say it. Protecting his friends was one thing. Protecting himself was—

If another Jirou happened, Ryusei didn't know what he would do. He was afraid of what he would do. After seeing—after experiencing how far he would go for Jirou, he'd been prepared to accept that he could and would do terrible things for his friends. But Kengo was—would be—

Ryusei couldn't afford to lose his composure. Not at this junction, not after everything they'd gone through. He pulled away from Kengo's grasp. "I—I didn't... not mean it. But...."

Ryusei's actions were enough to make Kengo start to feel uncomfortable. He couldn't tell exactly what the other was thinking, but the tensing of Ryusei's muscles and the way he kept looking everywhere else in the room made him start to realize what the real problem was. With the way Ryusei had approached him -- touched him, kissed him, it was obvious that he wasn't lying. This wasn't Ryusei faking anything, especially not with the way he was acting now. It made Kengo's stomach twist a bit that he was seeing the other so vulnerable for what seemed like the first time.

Even though Ryusei had pulled away, Kengo was quick to grab at him again, taking one of Ryusei's hands and bringing it back to himself. He wrapped his other hand around the back of Ryusei's, squeezing it in what he hoped was a comforting manner. Maybe Ryusei would be more comfortable running away, but Kengo hated to see him like this. It was part of what Kengo had been drawn to in the first place -- to help him.

Kengo had never heard all of the details about Ryusei's friend, but he figured he knew enough from the bits and pieces he'd gathered up during their time together. Ryusei's reaction when Kengo had suffered from an attack -- his panic -- gave Kengo the first hint as to why the other was uncomfortable. And it wasn't just that Ryusei was afraid of losing someone. Kengo felt the same way, especially with the emotions he'd gone through with Gentarou's death. Even if the other boy had come back, it had felt as though Kengo's heart had been ripped from him for those few hours. Losing anyone who was close to him... What they were involved in was high-risk. Everyone knew that.

"You should go work on the Switch before Kisaragi breaks something else." Kengo squeezed Ryusei's hand again, giving him a warm, honest smile. He didn't want Ryusei to feel as though he was forcing him away. "We can worry about it later. ... some other time. So don't worry about it now."

He was being given space. And time. And how did Kengo expect Ryusei to be able to concentrate after this? He'd have a hard time just calling Kengo if anything arose, and with his mind in the state it was, something would definitely arise.

He'd just have to put in the effort. He'd dealt with crises before. This wasn't anything he'd handled before, but he could deal with it.

"I think he's too afraid of you to break anything else today," Ryusei said, attempting levity as he pulled his hand back and stood up. Ryusei was too afraid, too. But if Kengo would give him space, maybe Ryusei could explain, and maybe Kengo wouldn't take it as an insult or draw away from him.

He'd been found out, Ryusei thought, but he hadn't tried in particular to hide it. Residual caution from earlier times, maybe, but Ryusei didn't like being read like that. Particularly not when it was his weakness that was being exposed. But if Kengo could see Ryusei's weakness, maybe he'd understand.

This was all still too much of a mess. It'd only been one impulsive mistake. What other impulsive mistakes would Ryusei be capable of? He'd thought he'd guarded himself against them. "Later," he said after a moment. "We'll talk about it later."

Kengo reluctantly let Ryusei pull away from him completely, settling in against the pillows and putting his hands in his lap. He didn't feel quite as uncomfortable before. To be honest, Kengo felt pleasantly content for the first time in as long as he could remember. There were still small stresses pulling at him -- like what they were going to do and how he was going to ever explain this if word got out -- but he'd said he would try to worry about it later. Kengo fidgeted slightly, the small smile still on his face. It was something he couldn't get to go away if he tried, which made him hope that no one else from the club would see him anytime soon. Seeing an expression like that on him was bound to raise suspicion.

"If you can't get it fixed today, we'll figure something out tomorrow. You don't have to rush." It was the complete opposite of how Kengo had been earlier, with his high-strung attitude and his obsession with keeping everything in top running shape at all times. The change was really only because he knew that Ryusei would most likely continue being in his panicked mode for quite awhile. Another stress was something Ryusei didn't need.

"You can still call me if you need anything." Kengo knew Ryusei wouldn't call, but he kept the offer there for some hint of normalcy. Time away from each other to sort out their thoughts was probably the best option right now.

Putting his hands down on the bed, Kengo laid back down and pulled the sheet up, distracting himself with fixing his pillow. His head didn't hurt anymore, but resting wasn't a bad idea -- as long as he could fall asleep.

Was Ryusei being that obvious? It wasn't like Kengo to give anyone any slack. Ryusei took a deep breath, straightened his shoulders. "I'm sorry. I know I'm not—"

It couldn't be the reaction Kengo wanted from someone who instigated and reciprocated like that, but Kengo seemed to understand all the same. It discomfited Ryusei, made him feel like he had no control over the situation. He should have been able to, but hindsight wouldn't help him now.

"Kengo..." he started as he hesitated by the door on his way out. "Thank you."

When Ryusei spoke, Kengo had lifted his head back up to look at him, waiting for whatever the other boy was going to say. It was an apology, at least, but then Ryusei had stopped talking and cut himself off. Whatever Ryusei had wanted to say had been pushed back down and Kengo wasn't going to push him to talk. Ryusei wasn't the type to open up like that and it was obvious he needed some space to himself for awhile to recover from what had just happened.

The thanks made him smile a bit more, which he tried to force down, only to give an even more nervous smile in response. It was one of a very small handful of times Kengo had ever let himself look happy around someone in the club -- or anyone at all. "Ryusei..." Kengo tested the other's name again, this time fully intending to say it the way he did. "... don't worry about it."

He couldn't think of anything else he could have said, but Kengo hadn't wanted the other to leave without responding to him first.

Reassurance, from Kengo? Was Ryusei being that bad right now? It wasn't like Ryusei was worried—

Was Kengo worried? Was that it? Ryusei supposed he might be. He should say something reassuring in return, but— They'd be here all day. They were saving this conversation for later, when Ryusei was more able to talk.

Ryusei's fault, then. His fingers twitched in annoyance. "We'll talk... soon," he finally said, before slipping out the door.

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calmer weather | kengo utahoshi and ryusei sakuta

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